Blame
What it is and the effects blame can have on those around us. Blame can ooze out subtly unintentionally, however is easily identified when we objectively take the time to explore verbiage critically. Our intentions would best be a desire for a deeper understanding and to improve our relationships with fellow humans, void of wanting to be “right”.
“I make no claim to being an expert on this topic. I share these thoughts I have had, based on my experience so far in life. “
The blame game, we all have heard this term at some point, I imagine. We must realize to cast blame onto another we not say “Its all your fault…” or a statement directly claiming another person is responsible for a fault. The simple fact of being mad at someone else indicates we are blaming them.
Blame, as a verb- To assign responsibility for a fault or wrong.
Blame as a noun- Responsibility for a fault or wrong.
Can blame be used for good or is it always a negative term?
Blaming usually happens during three types of circumstances.
- After a person has failed to take responsibility for a fault that has negatively impacted a person The effected person will at some point to some degree blame the one whom is responsible for the fault or wrong. This is usually done in an attempt to get the person to take responsibility for their actions.
- When someone is responsible for a fault or wrong they will blame some one else so as they do not feel bad or so as they don’t have to be responsible for damages resulting from the wrong doing and impact to others., This is actually false blaming. Claiming some one else is responsible for a fault or wrong they ARE NOT responsible for is wrong and is best to avoid.
- Third is a more subtle subconscious type of blame that happens most of the time beneath our awareness however the effects can cut deep into the emotions of every one involved.
We want to use blame in a constructive manner so as to prevent faults or wrongs. We all will make mistakes and learning from these mistakes is essential to live in harmony on this planet., Understanding the difference between right and wrong is essential in this development.
Things get complicated when we introduce human emotions. We have emotions and these emotion are created by us so isn’t it our responsibility to choose what emotions we have or not? If your mad or angry its your fault right? Well not so simple. Emotions are not wrong emotions are emotions and accepting and understanding our emotions will help live a life not ruled by our emotions.
We want to get mad at the right person at the right time for the right reason. It’s ok to be upset or mad and even anger with some one else. We use emotions to express what we like and don’t like. The thing to remember is our emotions predominantly are based on memories and experiences from way back when we were a child and how we see the world around us.
Blame being tied to a fault or wrong is usually accompanied with negatively charged emotions. Think back when you have been upset with some one else. Some one made you mad. right? Did they? Being mad or upset with another would imply they did something wrong or at the least something not preferred. If you answer no then why would we treat some one as if we were mad or upset with them?
Just the fact if we are willing to admit we are angry at some one else we must be blaming them right? I’m mad because you ___________. Filling in the blank with an objective true action you are 100% positive that person did commit can foster a deeper understanding and with the right person help them avoid doing you wrong. The majority of the time we will find that the other person failed to meet an expectation of ours which leads us to feel a loss of something.
Example: “I’m upset because you were late picking up the kids after you told me you would be on time.”
Late picking up the kids – Objective true action.
Would be on time – Expectation that was not met. An agreed upon one as well.
In this example we aren’t necessarily mad at the person but the action that lead to a failure to meet an expectation. Quite simple a fault. Its not a flaw in the person .
Drilling deeper we can ask, why would this upset us? This meaning picking the kids up late. Seems obvious right? Well it is emotionally charged and has many layers that can vary from person to person penetrating the subconscious.
First one may feel let down. Or not important enough to ensure you request was met. Picking the kids up on time. Under valued, unloved or unlovable.
Concerned about the children’s safety. Which could foster feelings of not being a good parent, incompetent, unworthy, not good enough.
Cant trust others, issues in asking for help.
A lot of negative emotions can well up subconsciously if intentions are snot et prior. Or negative thoughts may place blame on another for something they didn’t even do and aren’t even aware of. Are perception of others may implement them in some alternative motive that although the feelings are real isn’t true at all.
Being mad at some one because we think they think xyz about us, if unverified may not be true and hurt us by continuing to think these thoughts and may lead us to blaming them for us being mad through labeling.
When we find ourselves mad in a conversation it is easy to assume the person did something to us yet when we step back we may realize it is our own subconscious and feeling that have actually created a wrong and placed the responsibility for that wrong on another.
In the presents of a partner we trust, we can work through, determining if we are blaming them unintentional, by asking a few key questions and writing the answers down on a piece of paper.
A better way to say it would be to ensure the avoidance of false blaming ask a couple of key questions and writing the answers down on a piece of paper. The goal of this exercise is to deepen the relationship not to be right or wrong. Its worth noting when we find ourselves in the wrong (we most certainly will at some point) that’s ok. Acknowledging a mistake or error we are responsible for will help us avoid doing it again in the future. Sincerely apologizing with explaining or justifying will go along way and then work to avoid doing that which you determined was a wrong or if we failed to meet s know expectation. Knowing the difference between right and wrong is very important and there is a difference that objectively can be determined.
In an effort to resolve conflict or remedy a wrong we want to objectively identify the issue. Who is at fault? Is there something wrong for which one is responsible? Who’s fault is it anyway?